M A R U J A

I speak:

I’ve seen a number of movies lately, Lord, like Romeo and Juliet
The love of young people… at least in these movies is beautiful…so simple, so total, so uncomplicated.
They seem so natural, so free in their emotions, so clear in their feelings
I wish I could be like that, Lord
But I can’t be
I’ve been hurt, Lord
I have trusted and been betrayed at times
I have loved and received nothing in return
I have tried to care and failed…often
I have shared my secrets and heard them whispered to others
I’ve been through it, Lord
I’ve fallen on my face
I’ve banged my shins
I’ve been bruised
Look, Lord, I’m all covered with scars.

The LORD speaks:
Maybe you haven’t understood enough
Maybe you haven’t learned that human life is like that
All saints are scarred
Young love isn’t the highest form of human love
The greatest love comes from scarred people
I know many people stop loving so they won’t be hurt again
But those who do start over again who continue in spite of all who leave themselves open to the possibility of hurt again
These people are able to love in a deeper way, a more understanding way, a richer way

I respond:

I think I know what you mean, Lord
I’ve met people like that…and knowing them gives me courage
The great people are those who continue to love with all their scars
I like scarred people, Lord
They are beautiful.

"I am a man who will fight for your honor
I’ll be the hero you’re dreaming of…"

catched this song by Peter Cetera played in my jeepney ride this morning and hearing it never cease to make me stood still wherever i am. sigh! it brings me to realize that time has passed, things have changed and i have grown up. maybe i have grown strong, but there will always be that scared little child deep within me waiting to be hushed. maybe that’s one reason  why Pretty Woman remain my all-time favorite movie too. i always fancy fairytale-like movies. i just don’t get tired watching it repeatedly. i’m no pretty woman nor have the look of Julia Roberts but just like Vivian in the said movie -i do dream.

"Just like a knight in shining armor
From a long time ago
Just in time I will save the day
Take you to my castle far away…"

…as the song goes.
indeed, no matter how intelligent or wordly…no matter how successful or gifted, some women (including me) are just soft-hearted fools, so eager to please.

"You’ll keep me standing tall
You’ll help me through it all
I’m always strong when you’re beside me
I have always needed you
I could never make it alone

I am a man who will fight for your honor
I’ll be the hero you’ve been dreaming of
We’ll live forever
Knowing together that we
Did it all for the glory of love…"

…i am usually more than willing to explain my faults. i want everyone to understand me, and to appreciate the circumstances that led to my most understandable mistakes. if they only know the disadvantages of my childhood, if they only know how uncontrollable my passions are, they would understand the crazy things i do. something within of the personal dynamics of the wrong i do, somewhere inside the working of my mind and will. i make a choice for which only i can give an answer. i chose, i acted, and i am accountable. it’s not my father, not my mother, and not my early toilet training, it’s me, myself.

…sometimes it’s hard to believe, especially on days like this where my hormones are out of control, i snap at everyone, cry at every little thing, and feel like no matter what i do, the cloud of gloom and the 100-ton weights that are in my feet won’t let me do anything! i view my world bleak, muggy, cold and dark…and so is my mood. and the best hangout can only be my under my bedcovers, with lights off and a pouch of nagaraya peanut cracker.